dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
