Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
