I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
