cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
