How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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