You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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