I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
