I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
