I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
