I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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