There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize