I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
