eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
