Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
