i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
