you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
