Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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