I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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