Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
