you turned your livingroom into a bong?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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