Don't make out with my wife yet
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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