I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
