Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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