Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize