i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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