I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
