This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
