new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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