life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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