I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
