Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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