Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
