it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
