i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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