Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
