I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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