Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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