forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
