You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
