im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
