time to smoke my breakfast
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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