During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
