my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
