So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We need to get me chipped asap
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
