I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
