I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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