my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
