i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize