i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
