I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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