you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
