I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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