somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
