I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
