Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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