I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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