rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize